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Doctor: I've got some good news and some bad news for you.
Patient: Tell me the bad news first Doctor.
Doctor: I'm going to have to amputate your legs.
Patient: And what's the good news?
Doctor: The man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.

Patient: Doctor, how long can a person live without a brain?
Doctor: I give up. How old are you?

The phone rings at KGB headquaters. They answer : "Hello?"
"Hello, Is that the KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?'
"I'm calling to report my neighbour Y.Rabinotov as an enemy of the state. He is hiding diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinotov's house.They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinotov and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinotov's house. He answers, "Hello."
"Hello Rabinotov! Did the KGB come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?'
"Yes they did."
"O.K., now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed."

A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.' Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'
Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'
Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'
The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt, now what is the problem?'
Then the man at the back of the court says, 'Fifteen years I lived nextdoor to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

More coming soon!